The "Real" Me

I feel like i am nothing without you Lord. I don't know how to have confidence in myself when the only good things I do come from you. How do I hold my head up knowing that I am nothing but a big phoney without you? I feel like I am only amazing some of the time and the rest of the time I'm just wasting time and space... nothing special. But I truly don't believe that it is your plan for me that I think these things about myself. I know that you love me, so then why does no one in the world love me in the way that you do? I need you here now! I am so lonely here Lord. I know that you have and will continue to use me to touch those I encounter here, but Lord sometimes I just want you. I am tired of having a broken heart all the time... tired of putting on false confidence and trying to look like I have it all together. I'm tired of trying to make myself the perfect employee, the perfect student, the perfect girl... tired of trying to be perfect! But most of all, I'm tired of falling short. I'm tired of trying and falling on my face. I'm tired of getting a couple of steps ahead only to fall a hundred steps back. I'm tired of trying. I want to love and be loved. I don't want any rules or games or expectations or labels... just love. Love that doesn't judge and love that has patience and love that grows. I want to live in that place where "Beautiful" means nothing. Where Perfect doesn't exist. Where people aren't better or worse... they're just people. Where I don't have to lose a couple of pounds or be less klingy or say please and thankyou... or wear certain clothes or say all the right things, or not cry when my feelings are hurt... a place where I don't have to put on a brave face or be sarcastic to hide how sensitive I am. I don't want to live in a place where I am constantly compared to someone else. Being compared to someone else is honestly the one thing in this world that when it happens I can actually feel parts of me dying. It has become something that I now do to myself almost in second nature. But that doesn't make it hurt any less. The pain of not measuring up is something that I have always felt in a very real and hurtful way. Maybe the reason I can feel something dying when Comparison happens is because parts of me actually do die, because when I compare myself with others I'm really saying that I want to change something about me and make it like someone else. Therefore with every wish to be different or envy of what another has (or seems to have) I am letting go of the things that make me, me. The things that God put there specifically in me. I am throwing out the blueprint that God used to make me to become a counterfeit of someone else. And everyone wants the real thing, No one wants a fake. I need to chose to love the real thing... the real me. I need to want to be me... the real me. I need to not feel cheated by being the real me, so that I won't feel like other people are being cheated by knowing the real me. I need to know that I am made for a reason in my father's likeness. To know that I am not a waste. I need to know that. Not because of anything I have achieved or because someone gives me their stamp of approval, but because I know that no matter what, I am His...